and left there to sleep
left there to dream of their happiness"
I have felt sad all of today. Pessimistic, lonely, worrisome, anxious, and stressed out. It's a terrible mixture of emotions. It's quite depressing, too, to think for a moment and realize, truly, "I am not happy." Needless to say, I was in a shitty mood from that point on.
It is very dumb things that make me upset. I wasn't always like this (you know this, baby, I'm sorry for being this way, I'd change myself if I could, you know I would but I can't and I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes--), and I wish I could go back to how I used to be, an always happy, bubbly, funny girl who was pleasant to be around, who didn't let everything affect her so deeply, who was never the one to bring someone down...
That is all that I am, now. I fear that is all I will ever be.
I want to change. I want to be my better self. But damn, if I get upset that he's going to his friend's house (because his ex girlfriend lives there, and that makes me so angry for some reason, that he is around her, and I wasn't like that when we first started off; I'm so afraid I'm too attached, I know I am, I think things are going downhill and he will grow weary of these things...), then what am I to do?
How does one change?
I was changed by another person, before. He changed me in ways I cannot even describe, some of them good! truly, but some of them bad -- terrible, even.
I don't know what to do with my life, or with/through whom to live it. I just want someone there with me, someone that will always be there and will always have a comforting word (and he does, he always does, but I always ignore it and am so mean and I am sure that it hurts him; I'm so, so sorry).
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just cannot find myself.
I feel so broken and sad, like a doll that has been tattered and torn throughout the years, and although I have a caring person's arms wrapped tightly around my waist, I am not happy with this life. This is how I feel, sometimes, this is how I have felt for days and days and days, months, maybe; maybe it was his fault, maybe he was the child that tore my clothes and ripped out my seams and sold me to someone that came along too late.
I want to be new again. But that is impossible, isn't it?
I apologize, f-list. I just needed to rant a little, let some things out.
So I dressed up for school today and so did Zach, and it was great and super neat and I just woke up from a nap so I am somewhat extremely hyper, if you cannot tell. I have a lack of commas, I assume, or something of the sort.
HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT.