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the celestial warrior of tango
10 July 2012 @ 01:32 am


"I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and left there to sleep
left there to dream of their happiness"

the celestial warrior of tango
20 October 2010 @ 09:37 pm


I actually said to myself that I wasn't going to post in this thing anymore. Really, I thought I never would. Talking to my oldest, best friend the other day for the first time in months made me realize how much I missed venting to myself and the world. I dunno if you guys actually listen, but thinking that maybe you do, even just a little, makes me feel better somehow. <3

I feel guilty for being away for so long, and for intending on leaving for good. It's like I abandoned my mind and friends, and I don't know what to think anymore.

The last three months have been...different for me. Hereditary depression showed its head more than ever, and it's been running my life. I cry often, and usually without reason; I am constantly tired, and I have no motivation or inspiration. ohgod, guys, it's so hard sometimes. ;__;

COMPLAINTS, I'm so sorry. I really hate to ramble on about my problems, because a lot of times I think I'm exaggerating. I probably am. Ohman. D: 

Anyway, I only have a semester left until I graduate. (well technically, first semester isn't over yet, but we only have a few weeks left.) I probably won't be getting any scholarships -- yaaay, laziness -- and my GPA is only 3.0. oohboy. I gotta kick it into high-gear or something, or I'll be paying for college for the rest of my life.

Apparently, I'm going to nursing school. Not like I wanna be a nurse, but my mom wants me to be because that's what my sister's in school for, and the college is so ~CONVENIENT~ly located close to our house. Honestly, I wanna go to The Art Institute and be a web designer, but ya know, life sucks and you gotta work for money, not for pleasure. I guess I could still go do it after a few years as a nurse, and who knows, maybe I'll end up liking that job? I dunno.

Welp, I guess I'm done ranting for now. It feels nice to be back on here, honestly; I missed it a lot. It's relaxed me and put me in a better mood. -deep breath- Guess I'm going to go play Oblivion now~ <33 (damn you, Shivering Isles, for being so difficult :X)

♥: thoughtfulthoughtful
the celestial warrior of tango
26 April 2010 @ 05:18 pm

I have felt sad all of today. Pessimistic, lonely, worrisome, anxious, and stressed out. It's a terrible mixture of emotions. It's quite depressing, too, to think for a moment and realize, truly, "I am not happy." Needless to say, I was in a shitty mood from that point on.

It is very dumb things that make me upset. I wasn't always like this (you know this, baby, I'm sorry for being this way, I'd change myself if I could, you know I would but I can't and I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes--), and I wish I could go back to how I used to be, an always happy, bubbly, funny girl who was pleasant to be around, who didn't let everything affect her so deeply, who was never the one to bring someone down...

That is all that I am, now. I fear that is all I will ever be.

I want to change. I want to be my better self. But damn, if I get upset that he's going to his friend's house (because his ex girlfriend lives there, and that makes me so angry for some reason, that he is around her, and I wasn't like that when we first started off; I'm so afraid I'm too attached, I know I am, I think things are going downhill and he will grow weary of these things...), then what am I to do?

How does one change?
I was changed by another person, before. He changed me in ways I cannot even describe, some of them good! truly, but some of them bad -- terrible, even.

I don't know what to do with my life, or with/through whom to live it. I just want someone there with me, someone that will always be there and will always have a comforting word (and he does, he always does, but I always ignore it and am so mean and I am sure that it hurts him; I'm so, so sorry).

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just cannot find myself.

I feel so broken and sad, like a doll that has been tattered and torn throughout the years, and although I have a caring person's arms wrapped tightly around my waist, I am not happy with this life. This is how I feel, sometimes, this is how I have felt for days and days and days, months, maybe; maybe it was his fault, maybe he was the child that tore my clothes and ripped out my seams and sold me to someone that came along too late.

I want to be new again. But that is impossible, isn't it?

I apologize, f-list. I just needed to rant a little, let some things out.

♥: sadsad
the celestial warrior of tango
21 April 2010 @ 09:33 pm

So I dressed up for school today and so did Zach, and it was great and super neat and I just woke up from a nap so I am somewhat extremely hyper, if you cannot tell. I have a lack of commas, I assume, or something of the sort.



Support how bitchin' our planet is by recycling or cleaning up, or something! 
♥: hyperhyper
the celestial warrior of tango
10 April 2010 @ 03:06 am
 A new journal layout for a new chapter of my life, I suppose. I just. I don't even know, anymore.

After my last relationship, I thought it would be impossible to feel again. I still had my family and friends, but once love like that is taken away, you don't think you'll ever get it back. It's miserable, it's agonizing, but in the end -- you live. You go on. You find someone else to fill that void, and it doesn't feel right, it feels the complete opposite of right, but you try it out anyway.

I waited for... Shit, how long did I cry over him? Half a year, almost? And I still cry. I cry over the memories, over the lack thereof. But there was someone, there is always someone else, waiting for you and trying to pick up the pieces.

I started dating Zach almost exactly a month ago. He...was kind of like a lifeline to me, back when my last relationship failed. He was always there, constantly talking to me, reassuring me that I'd be okay, everything would be okay. I didn't believe him, back then. I didn't even want him, and I told him that, told him we would probably never be together. Hell, I was pretty certain that was true.

I don't know what it was that changed in me. Maybe it was accepting the fact that my last person had gone and moved on, had found someone else and was now happy without me. Maybe that allowed me to move on, too, to at least give this kid a chance.

And... God, I'm so, so glad that I did. I was pretty damn skeptical in the beginning, because how do you even try  anymore after going through something like that? But I did, and now I have him and he has me and it's really hard to say the 'L' word and sometimes I get really tongue-tied and nervous when I'm with him.

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel...happy. I'd almost forgotten what that felt like. It's nice, having that, having him. He makes me smile, makes me laugh, supports my dorkish tendencies and tells me all the time how pretty and awesome I am, and just nngh. He makes me feel so much.

I don't really know how to put into words just how much I care about him and appreciate all he's done.

All I can really say is thanks,
and I love you. ♥
♥: contentcontent
the celestial warrior of tango
23 October 2009 @ 01:51 pm
Losing love isn't a slow burn. It isn't something that takes hours or days or weeks to feel. It's an explosion, a fierce wildfire that tears through every fiber of your being; and you can feel it so clearly that you can hear it, you can taste it, can reach out and touch it with your trembling fingertips.

It happens in moments, short seconds. You don't even see it coming; you've blinded yourself into believing that love like that can never be lost. But it is snatched from you with such a harsh intensity that you gasp, double over in pain, close your eyes and cling to yourself. The words ring in your ears, repeat themselves. Words from the past, promises that now seem empty, quiet murmurs of affection or even adoration, and words from the present, cruel, bitter phrases that make you think, 'This cannot be the same person.'

You can't imagine life without this love. You know that you require it to live, to breathe. And you say this, say, "I need you" with such a strong passion that your breath catches, your mind reels; it is the truest statement that you have ever made, yet it passes the love as though it means nothing, as though it is as trivial as the hopes and dreams you've built over the months.

You are left, alone, in the clear realization that it is over. There is still hope, a small glimmer of it in the back of your mind that keeps you from letting go, but it is too small to put your mind at ease. All of you hurts, burns from the inside out, and you can't stop it. You don't want to stop it. Instead, you let it possess you, let it take you over completely until you are writhing in your bed, screaming in agony.

Lies. All of it seems like lies. When they announce their love, say that it is true, you can't make yourself believe. Worst of all, you can't let go. There had been so much, so many things that you have grown attached to, rituals and small things that you relied on to make you happy, and you cannot detach yourself from it.

It is obvious to you that it's over, yet the pain of claiming such a thing impossible lingers, and you know it will be there when you wake up in the morning. You regret so much, blame yourself for every small detail, and you sorely wish that you could take back all of the mistakes you'd made.

But you can't. It is done. You are left to hold yourself against that glint of hope until another sign arises. Deep down, though, you know that there will be nothing.

And you cry.
♥: lonelylonely
♪: a perfect sonnet -- bright eyes
the celestial warrior of tango
10 July 2009 @ 08:57 pm

Reply to this post, and I will list three or more things I like about you. Then repost to your own journal to spread the love.

♥: excitedexcited
♪: Come Together -- aerosmith
the celestial warrior of tango
If a friend asked you for some new music recommendations, what would you suggest?
Ohh. I'd suggest my personal favorites; metal and classic rock such as Metallica, Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, Led Zeppelin, Kansas, Lamb Of God, and maybe even some grunge like Nirvana and Alice In Chains. And, of coursely course, the ever-awesome Ted Nugent. Because where would we be without the Nuge? :3
♥: cheerfulcheerful
♪: catscratch fever -- ted nugent
the celestial warrior of tango
10 July 2009 @ 01:07 am
So spnwriterloungeis doing this awesome Christmas in July thing, and one of the events they're doing is present boxes, where people have designated posts/boxes in which you can leave presents; art, drabbles, poems, anything!


You know you wanna leave something. ♥
♥: lovedloved
♪: Fast Car -- Tracy Chapman
the celestial warrior of tango
09 July 2009 @ 03:56 am
HEY GUYS, JOIN IN ON THE FUN! It's everything you love about smutfic, but just snippets of the best parts instead.

Do EET! ♥
♥: bouncybouncy
♪: Who Are You -- The Who